There was a couple in the early stages of relationship when, one turned to the other and exclaimed, “You’re perfect.” One would assume that statement would be met with some level of positivity. On the contrary, the recipient felt something just short of revulsion.
Character flaws notwithstanding, when questioned as to the source of this negative emotion the reply was in some respects poignant. The reasoning went that being in the very preliminary stages of attraction the “couple” still knew very little about one another. As such, the blank spaces were filled with the imagination of what could be. In attributing perfection to the relationship at such an early stage, in reality what the person was actually doing was fulfilling their want of a perfect relationship by applying it to the situation.
Essentially the “You are perfect” had nothing to do about the declaree and everything to do with the declarer. It was their imagination, fueled by the desire for a perfect relationship, that led one person to convince themselves that the other was somehow “perfect”.
This ability to convince ourselves of the things we want to be true is a common occurrence that happens beyond the scope of relationships. As evidence, take this recent Adweek article where an ordinary man pretends to be a celebrity to the effect that people wind up treating him like one.
Talking To Ourselves
Peter Wason was a cognitive psychologist who coined the term “confirmation bias”, which describes people’s tendency to favor information that validates their preconceptions, hypotheses and personal beliefs regardless of the information’s basis in truth.
Mr. Wason conducted an experiment where he presented subjects with a number sequence: 2,4,6. The subjects were told that the sequence was created by a rule that they were to uncover by generating their own three-number sequences. After each attempt the subjects were told if their sequence met the rule, and they could generate as many sequences as needed until they were confident of the rule.
The rule was “any three numbers in increasing order”. Despite the rule’s simplicity only about 25% of the subjects figured it out because most, upon selecting a hypothesis, only looked for evidence to validate that hypothesis while eschewing any attempts to refute it.
Once told they were wrong, the subjects were allowed to try again. However, when suggested to use a different approach, most continued to only look at ways that supported their hypothesis. Mr. Wason concluded that people have a confirmation bias; they are prejudiced to test a hypothesis by working to confirm it instead of working to falsify it.
Put another way, once people have a belief they have a tendency to perceive things in ways that support their belief at the expense of any evidence to the contrary. A relationship is perceived as perfect because it is imaged to be that way, and only evidence that supports that belief is accepted.
Marketers are regular victims of confirmation bias:
We fall in love with our ideas and create reasons why they work while ignoring why they don’t.
We chase trends while ignoring the lack of data supporting their value.
We do what we have always done while ignoring the metrics around diminishing returns.
We create slogans of perceived grandeur while ignoring their emptiness of meaning.
We blame our agencies or clients for bad work while ignoring our own role in the creation.
We consistently talk to ourselves while ignoring our consumers.
The story didn’t end well for the “couple”, as the imperfections of the person inevitably became apparent, disappointment ensued, and that person wound up getting dumped. Don’t talk yourself into believing what you are saying. Actively find the holes in the story and fill them with texture or press delete and start again.
Be aware of your confirmation bias, because it ultimately leads to “a dump”.
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